Stoned For Valentine's
by Schematization
Summary: Kirk gets a hard lesson in the idea that reputation and charm doesn't always get him what he wants.
1. Chapter 1

DISCLAIMER: And seeing as I haven't received any kinda of note or email or phone call or anything in a sense of notification, I'm assuming that I still own nothing of Star Trek.

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**STONED FOR VALENTINE'S**

As soon as he walked into the 'Enterprises' cafeteria, Doctor Leonard 'Bones' McCoy knew that their illustrious Captain was up to something no good. Something no good that would that ultimately ended some poor young girl's ruination.

He had had a smidgen of an idea that Jim was up starting up another one of his little ploy's when a number of small boxes addressed directly to him were showing up in the mail. One or two were books sized, but the rest were three of four square inches in all and were quickly whisked away by the Captain, who would scamper off to his cabin before any noisy Doctor's had a chance to ask any unwanted question's.

This had been going from the second week of January to the first week of February, when it suddenly ceased and Jim started spending more time alone in his cabin. A fact that was definitely bothersome to the Doctor, since it raised several question's to his mind and he wasn't thrilled with too many of the answer's that were popping into his head. A few even brought an uncomfortable shiver up his spine.

He had thought of talking to Spock about it, but changed his mind before the idea had left his mind when he realized he would be forced to explain his ruminations on the matter to the Vulcan. Something that could more than faintly embarrassing to all three of them. Well two of them anyway, although McCoy thought Spock could at least have the decency to act disconcerted. Well today he would finally find out what Jim was up to. He would at least have something to blame his nightmares on.

Retrieving his tray of coffee, juice and breakfast, McCoy made his way over to the table Jim occupied along the far wall only to stop and stare at the tabletop that completely covered with dozen's of colored stones. Purple, violet, royal blue, green, green-pink, blue-green, pale blue, yellow, orange, pink, red, clear, brown and black. Nearly any color you could imagine were scattered into groups of matching colors from one corner of the table to the other leaving only a few inches for the single cup of coffee sitting at Kirk's elbow.

"Is this your subtle way of saying you don't want company, Jim? Clever. Odd, but clever." Muttered McCoy gesturing at the vivid display with this tray.

Looking up from the timeworn book he had been reading for the last twenty minutes, James. T. Kirk frowned for a second then broke into a small smile. "I didn't see you come in Bones. Let me slide some of this over."

"All this time I've been wondering what the hell you've been up to in your cabin for the last week. Worrying. Fretting." Sighed McCoy with barely believable despair as he sank down in the opposite chair sliding his tray on to the table just as quickly as Jim made space for him. "And in truth, you've been having all those rocks knocked out of your head all over the universe sent back to you and now you're trying to figure out away to get them back in, right."

With a sarcastic ripple flashing across Kirk's face when he glared across the table at his friend. "Funny. Odd, but funny. You're in normal curmudgeonly form this morning, Bones."

"That ditz of a new nurse on the graveyard shift had me outta bed an hour earlier than normal, because she forgot where she put the code I gave her to get into the medicine cabinets after she wrote it down. Like I can remember my own rank, name and what the hell ship I'm on at that time of the morning."

"Let me guess, you couldn't remember what it was either." Smirked the Captain as he carefully made sure every stone was still in their perspective groups.

Grimacing at being caught, McCoy picked up his fork and jabbed at the pile of grits on his plate. "God was Christine p.o.ed when she got to my office."

The smile grew on Kirk's face at the picture of Christine Chapel storming into sickbay, giving McCoy a lengthy, obscenity punched speech followed by a very believable threat verbally and physically before returning to her own cabin to get ready for her own shift.

Watching Jim fiddle with his little horde of stones, McCoy swallowed a mouthful of grits and eggs. "So who's the gal?"

Glancing up sharply, Kirk had what may have been indignant hint in his eyes but knew it was pointless considering who was sitting across from him. "What makes you think this is all because of a woman?"

"Because Jim, the only time you ever become interested in anything else besides this ship or yourself, ten out of ten times it has to be for a woman." Explained the Doctor as he broke the yolk on his fried egg and dunked the corner of toast into it. "Now tell me, what poor unknowing creature have you lined up now?"

Trying not to show his peevishness, Kirk folded his arms then carefully placed them on the edge of the table. "Coriander Kleinhuizen."

"That's the girl?" Asked McCoy after hesitating in retrieving his cup of coffee.

"Yes, that's the girl." Kirk replied scowling at the strange comment. "Why?"

"No reason Jim." McCoy said with a roll of a shoulder as he dunk his toast into the egg yolk again. "Just kinda sounded like a new German lettuce hybrid. So who is she and where did she unadvisedly cross your path?"

"I knew her back in at the Academy. She used to run around with Gary for a little while when she first arrived." Explained the Captain lost in a deep moment of reverie, that devilish golden glint appearing in the hazel gaze.

"Gary, huh. Not you." McCoy said with a profound tone. "That explains it. These' s rocks belong to her, and you're gonna hold to them until she come begging to you for their safe return. Then you'll have her right where you want here. And her rocks, too."

"Not hardly Bones." Snapped Kirk finally showing his exasperation at his Chief Medical Officer. "Cori specializes in alternative healing, specifically crystal's."

"Then you're just trying to cover all your bases, but getting all of them." Surmised the Doctor pointing towards the collection of stones with his fork. "So in case one wears off, you've got a long line of backups."

"Just try to be serious for one minute for me Bones." Kirk said through clenched teeth leaning forward a few centimeters.

"Me?" Blurted out the Doctor giving Jim a thoroughly amused look. "You're the one sitting here playing with two pounds of rocks in the cafeteria."

"Crystals, Bones. They're referred to as crystals." Grunted the Captain, the gaze narrowing a fraction.

"All right then, playing with two pounds of crystals in the cafeteria. What exactly do they do that's going to help get this Coriander Kleinhuizen and put her under your spell? Because it has to be pretty damn good if you find it necessary to start using them for you're hunting parties." Attacking the sausage patty on his plate, McCoy let his blue gaze flicker over towards the numerous polished stones that winked at him.

"From what I've read, if you really believe in their powers, you could be out of a job." Kirk replied picking up the book he had been reading when the Doctor showed up. "From releasing toxic energy from emotions, mind, and body. To treating fungal infections."

"I hate to ask where you're supposed to put that stone at." Murmured the Doctor through a mouthful of sausage.

Choosing to ignore the comment, Kirk started flipping through the 6 1/2 x 5 1/2-x 2 1/4-inch while reaching among the groups of stone and grabbed pale blue stone with white and dark blue lines. "Blue lace agate. This one you should seriously consider for yourself Bones."

"Why? Because it goes so well with my eyes?" Fluttering his eyelashes, McCoy was couldn't resist a hint of coquettishness to his words and grin.

"For a start it treats arthritis, blockages of the nervous system and brain fluid imbalances." Was the crisp and pointed response from the Captain as he placed it directly in front of the Doctor's tray.

"You're so thoughtful, but the way you're going Jim, you'll need it before I do." The prongs of his fork lightly tapped against the polished surface as McCoy pushed the small stone back towards Kirk.

"All right then how about moonstone." Undaunted by the Doctor's lack of enthusiasm, Kirk picked up milky, translucent stone then it held up between a forefinger and thumb.

"What does it do for me? Treat my premenstrual syndrome before I get it?"

"I think you need to worry about menopause, Bones." Kirk said not looking up from his book. "Right now it'll open your mind to sudden and irrational impulses, serendipity, and synchronicity. Calms overreactions to situations and to emotional triggers. As well as balances the hormonal system and attunes your biorhythmic clock."

"Save that one. We could use it when Spock's seven-year's are up again." Said McCoy giving the stone a dubious look. "What else ya got?"

Replacing the moonstone, the Captain chose a third stone that had all the sparkle and beauty of a mud-ball. Dark brownish-gray, and grainy with tiny little metallic flecks in the rough surface and was about the size of a peach pit.

"Magnetite." Kirk began holding up this new stone as he went through the pages of the book once more.

Squinting at the dirty looking stone, McCoy shook his head. "Nah, can't be. It looks more like a…"

"I know what it looks like Bones. But trust me, it's magnetite or lodestone." Kirk interrupted before the Doctor had the chance to finish his sentence, giving him a reprimanding glare.

"I'd still wash my hands after I was done playing with it Jim." Bones pointed out before stuffing another forkful of sausage and grits into his mouth. "So what does it do? Help with regularity?"

"Bones, if you don't try to take this seriously for at least a few minutes…"

"I'm taking it seriously. I'm still sitting here, ain't I? And look who's talking about taking this 'seriously'. The only reason you're even going through all of this is to corner some woman in your cabin for a couple of hours or until she finally makes a break for it." Grunted McCoy scooping up another mound of grits then hesitated with the spoon only a few inches from his lips. "What I don't understand is, if this Coriander Kleinhuizen was at the Academy the same time as you and Gary. And during this time ran around with Gary for awhile, she must've known about your reputation even then, although Gary's wasn't that far behind it. What makes you think that she'd be dumb, naïve, or eager enough to agree to anything with you?"

A charismatic grin swept over Kirk's face, as he sat up straighter in his chair. "You forget who you're talking to Doctor."

"No. You apparently have forgotten who you're talking to Jim." Answered McCoy with a single shake of his head.

Grin disappearing from Kirk's face he pursed his lips annoyingly, then slowly continued on with what he started. "There's an interesting piece of folklore that goes with the magnetite. Supposedly, to test the loyalty and fidelity of your spouse, you placed the stone under their pillow and if they fell out of bed, they no longer are virtuous."

A light of complete and utter hilarity exploded in McCoy's blue eyes. "I can just imagine you trying to explain to you're future wife, if any of us live that long, the necessity of keeping the mattress on the floor. Four inches is easier to take than two feet in the middle of the night in a dead sleep every ten minutes. Or better yet, have a decorator do the entire apartment in Oriental, and you could have one of those mats they use for a bed."

"Your humor is just mind numbing this morning, Bones." Kirk growled replacing the magnetite in with the other brown hued stones. "Just like anesthesia."

Allowing himself a moment to chuckle to himself then sobered up after a gulp of coffee. "Okay, okay. Why not get on with what you going to do with all of this, that's going to convince this woman that she trust being alone in a room with you?'

A doubtful eyebrow twitched then rose about five centimeters, as Kirk shifted his gold flecked gaze back to the groups of stones and picked the only one that was set as a piece of jewelry. A pink stone carved into an 1 ½ x 1 ½ x ¼ inch heart, with a silver thread wrapped abstractly about it and hung from a thin seventeen inch black cord. The cafeteria light glinted off the smooth silver and pale pink stone as the pendant swung back and forth between Kirk's fingers.

"Right." McCoy finally said his own eyebrow rose quite high as he watched the pink heart move. "You're gonna hypnotize her into thinking you're back at the Academy and your Gary."

Flopping back in his chair, Kirk stared at the Doctor fighting the urge to call security. "No Bones."

"No, huh. Well, it sounded good to me." Sighed McCoy shrugging his shoulders in-between sips of coffee. "Only one other conclusion comes to mind, but considering we're in a public space with mixed company I think I'll just keep it to myself. So I guess you'll have to tell me what it is you've got up that salacious sleeve of yours."

"It's quite simple Bones." Flipping through the pages to the back of the book, Kirk handed it over to the Doctor. "Read that and I think you'll get what I'm striving for here."

With one more quick gulp of coffee, McCoy took the book and began scanning the four short paragraphs on the page indicated. Right away he stumbled over the title of the page and gave Jim a curious peek over the top of the book.

"Invoking Love?" He barely managed to squeak out, but Kirk said nothing McCoy rolled his eyes and started reading again.

It took less than five minutes to read but the Doctor took an extra five to re-read it, just to make sure this was what his friend was considering. Four candles with holders, four rose quartz stones and a large piece of amethyst were required. The candles in holders were to be placed north, south, east and west on a table covered with silk. Supposedly this was to welcome the spirits from these different directions and ask them to be guardians over the process.

At this part, McCoy snuck another look over at Kirk. That didn't sound too promising in the Doctor's mind, as wondered what type of spirits the man would inadvertently wrought up in his haphazard attempt.

Once the spirits had arrived and had decided not to destroy the ship, one was to hold the rose quartz in your hands and focus on the power and energy they were giving off. And if this went well, and the spirits were still in a good mood you were to feel the force traveling along your arms into your heart. After arriving at your heart, if you hadn't collapsed or exploded, you were to begin feeling your heart open up.

Sucking in a breath, McCoy tried to visualize Jim sitting in his cabin doing all of this in it's proper and what not, but it was like trying to visualize Spock taking up jitterbugging or stand up comedy.

Finally, you are to place the rose quartz around the piece of amethyst sitting in the middle of the table while speaking out loud either to yourself or the spirits, it wasn't specific on that fact. Then you were to sit quietly for a few moments focusing your eyes on the crystals. When you've decided to completed the ritual, you were to around the table blowing on each candle saying in turn, 'I send your light and love into the world.'. Then you could either leave the stones on the table or put them around your bed.

"'I am a magnet of love?' 'I welcome love into my heart?' 'And love in my life?'" Slowly lowering the book, the grin had returned to his face and literally spread from ear to ear. "Gees, where'd this author find out what your personal mantra was?"

"You've got a very ugly jealous streak, Bones." Kirk smugly said leaning against the table edge again.

"You know Jim, if you ever have the room in there with the narcissism and egomania, you should invite the rest of us into your strange little world." Was McCoy dry reply, as he handed the book back to the Captain. "You're not really going to go through all of that are you, just to get your hands on that obviously too trusting woman. That doesn't sound like you, Jim."

"I never claimed I was going to do it, Bones." Answered Kirk snapping the book shut while wrapping the cord of the necklace around his fingers. "Just as long as she believes it, is all that matters."

"That sounds like my old Jimbo." Came the relieved sound from McCoy, as he wiped his napkin over his mouth. "Had me worried there. With Spock gone to that epistemology convention, I was beginning to think you were going to try to bring some intelligent culture back into our lives."

"Touching Bones." Murmured Kirk starting to gather up the stones from the tabletop and slipping them into black velvet bags. "I'll make a note of this in my personal log tonight."

"So when is Ms. Kleinhuizen going to arrive?" Inquired the Doctor pushing away from the table and started to stand up when the cafeteria intercom buzzed.

"Bridge to Captain Kirk." The familiar voice of Lt. Uhura filtered throughout the cafeteria.

Scowling at words, Kirk dropped everything on the tabletop and jumped from his chair. Marching across the room, hesitating once to glance back at McCoy, half expecting to be plunked in the back of the head with the magnetite by the physician.

Punching the intercom, Kirk kept his eyes on McCoy who was still standing at the table nursing his cup of coffee

Gazing at the array of stones still scattered on the table. "This is Captain Kirk. What is it Lieutenant?"

"We just received word from Star Base 43 that a Ms. Kleinhuizen has arrived and Mr. Spock will be arriving tomorrow to rendezvous with the 'Enterprise'." Came the melodious response from the Communications officer.

"Very good, Lieutenant. Captain Kirk out."

"Bridge out."

Flipping the intercom off, Kirk's eyes narrowed slightly as he watched McCoy lean over the table, coffee cup in one hand and tray in the other. He looked innocent enough, which meant generally the opposite.

"Off to sickbay then?" Asked Kirk as he returned to the table, keeping in mind he was going to have to remain on his toes for atleast the next few hours.

Draining the last of his coffee, McCoy gave him a cynical look. "No, I thought I'd go down to engineering and give the dilithium crystals an examination and catch them up on their shots. You know how hard it is get those things to turn their head and cough. Where the hell do you think I'd be going, Jim?"

"With you it's hard to tell." Smiling again, Kirk picked the book back up gave the cover a quick glance then looked back over at McCoy with a sinister glint. "What do you think?"

"You're a deceptive, sick bastard." McCoy threw back before the Captain's words were hardly said. "Using something that has been proven to benefit thousands of individuals throughout the galaxy for God knows how many centuries, to lure a woman that at one time you might've considered a friend for what? Anti-gravity romp? I'm not surprised by it in the least, Jim. And if it does work by some miracle, let me know. I'll make sure we'll get a supply in during the next inventory. I might not have a date for Valentine's Day. But I can have some hope for St. Patrick's Day. I kinda like those Irish gals."

"Let's face it Bones, you like nearly any kind of gal." Kirk chuckled cinching up another bag; to preoccupied with his planning for the next day to notice that something was a miss among his collection.

"Yea, well Jim, I see it like this." McCoy began starting to walk away. "I'm just following the example of my commanding officer."

TBC

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	2. Chapter 2

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**CHAPTER TWO**

Thirty six hours later, the 'Enterprise' had been at Star Base 43 for just over five hours, when Kirk entered the cafeteria with a delicious looking, auburn haired dish on his arm. Five foot eight, dressed in a short filmy dress of a deep blue that matched her eyes, she also wore gold bangles on her arms and as earrings, matching the necklace of small gold coins and links of chain. The auburn hair streaked with gold was done in a style leaving it down with a couple of heavy, thick ringlets falling down her back, basically framing a nice little shapely form that moved with more grace than most in that cafeteria had seen in six months.

McCoy watched them as they approached the table he was sharing with Spock, unknowingly he had stopped chewing the mouthful of fried chicken he had chosen for dinner. He nearly stopped most functions the closer she came, but regained some minor composure when he noticed the curious look Spock had shifted towards him.

"Good evening gentlemen." Greeted the Captain, as the scent of gardenias suddenly rushed around the table in a thin wonderful cloud. "Mr. Spock. Doctor McCoy. I would like to introduce Ms. Coriander Kleinhuizen."

"Cori." She quickly through in with a deep rich voice, that went perfectly with the flashing enticing smile.

"Cori. This is my Second in Command, Mr. Spock. And my Chief Medical Officer, as well as the most cantankerous man in Star Fleet, Doctor Leonard McCoy." The sly, complacent expression on Kirk's face became even more blatant.

Both men started to stand up as the Captain introduced them only to be stopped the lovely Coriander with a wave of her hand and another flash of her smile. As they both sat back down, Spock and McCoy glanced at each other as they were waiting for the other to speak first.

"We've already been introduced on the Starbase, Captain." Spock said picking his napkin back up again. "We had a lengthy discussion of the benefits of the many types of crystals in use with meditation early today."

"Yes, it's been quite awhile since I've had such in-depth conversation." Deep sapphire eyes danced from Kirk to Spock and back again.

"You poor girl." Murmured McCoy reaching for the half-eaten drumstick laying on his plate then spoke directly to Spock. "With such a beautiful creature as this interested long enough to speak with you and the only thing you could think of to talk about was meditation. And you wonder why so many women fall asleep in your company."

"It would seem Doctor, that even if what you say is true, it is still a better situation than you generally find yourself." Returned the Vulcan without batting an eyelash.

"I suggest you quit now, Bones. I don't want to your swearing between sobs through my cabin walls interrupting my night." Kirk said under his breath as he glanced over at Cori with a tight, 'what can I say' smile.

Giving Spock a hard look that wavered between being peeved at what he had said or stunned by the fact he had said it, McCoy finally tore his eyes away from the stolid Vulcan and studied the couple.

"Did we embarrass ourselves again or do you have another reason for just standing there and not joining us for dinner?"

"Yes and yes." Kirk heatedly answered through his teeth. "We had dinner on the Starbase. I offered to give Ms. Kleinhuizen a tour of our ship. Anything she wants to look at, I'll be glad to show here."

Rolling his eyes towards the ceiling, McCoy coughed into his napkin. "Sick bastard."

Seeing the black eyebrow arch high along Spock's forehead, McCoy gave him a hard glare daring him to open his mouth. And for a heartbeat it appeared that the Vulcan was on the verge of making a reply, when a sharp toe of a boot caught him in the shin. It was equivalent to a opossum running up and punting an elephant, and although the Doctor's foot regretted the action it had made the impression enough that that the Vulcan lowered his eyebrow back down to respectable level.

"If you'll excuse us gentlemen. We've still got a lot to look at yet." An amazing amount of restraint was the only thing that kept Kirk from actually throttling McCoy with his bare hands in the middle of the room. That and the fact that Spock probably would have eventually applied that Vulcan nerve pinch just before the Doctor went completely unconscious.

Once the couple had left the cafeteria, Spock started to pick up his salad fork again silently wondering at the odd little wink McCoy had given the pair when they moved away from their table. However, he chose to refrain from inquiring about it, deciding it would be wiser to sit back and keep an eye on the situation in case it developed it something that the Doctor was unable to handle. He had his suspicions that it wasn't going to take long before the entire ship knew what was going on.

A wicked smile spread over McCoy's face as he returned his attention to his plate of food only to hesitate when catching the contemplative stare from across the table.

"What Spock?" He demanded dropping the drumstick again, the irascible glower returning to his face.

"I was just speculating Doctor." Murmured the Vulcan stabbing at the beets on his plates.

"Speculating?" Asked McCoy with a faltering tone. "About what?"

"That last comment you made before the Captain and Ms. Kleinhuizen left." Spock quietly replied then paused long enough to chew up and swallow a pickled beet, before fixing a razor fine stare on the Doctor. "If it was in reference to the Captain or yourself."

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It took the Captain less than hour to whisk Cori through the rest of the ship before he managed to herd down the corridor to the door of his cabin. The wool coat he was sporting was on the verge of slipping clear off to reveal the 'Canis lupus' side of his nature, before he had a chance to follow her through his cabin door.

Standing in the middle of the cabin Cori glanced around the space, a delicate eyebrow shifted slightly along the smoothly tanned forehead at the sight. Candles in different states of use were place in every corner of the room, while what other space was available was filled with crystal stones of every color imaginable. Pieces of silk were draped around the candleholders, and across the small round table in the corner of the room that also held the four candles, four rose quartz stones and in the center a fist sized piece of amethyst.

Clasping her hands behind her back, Cori wandered over to the table to give it look of interest. "I didn't realize you had any kind of curiosity in crystals and holistic healing, Jim."

"Well, you know Cori, out here it's always wise to have an open mind about everything and all the techniques that go along with them." Kirk said as he retrieved the slim lighter he had tucked away next to the door, and began lighting the candles while dimming the cabin lights at the same time. "Being a representative of Star Fleet, I think it shows our friendly intention's if we express some interest in the different cultures and traditions."

"'Friendly intentions.'" Murmured Cori running a long perfectly manicured finger over the jagged edges of the amethyst in the middle of the table. "If I remember right, that's the words Gary used when he first introduced himself to me back at the Academy."

"Yea, well Gary borrowed alot of things from me back then." The smile grew on Kirk's face as he continued around the cabin lighting the candles.

"Not everything, Jim." Came the warm murmured from the corner of the room.

Thinking it better not to add a comment to that, Kirk finished lighting the remainder of candles then replaced the lighter before turning his attention back to Cori who was studying the array of stones placed along the shelves of his desk.

"I'm amazed at the number of different crystals you have Jim. From agates to zoisite. Really I'm impressed." While speaking, Cori picked up an opaque green stone with tiny particles that were quite shiny and threw it at him.

Catching it in one hand, Kirk glanced at it a corner of his mouth twitching. "Green Aventurine. Protects and clears the heart. And attracts love."

The next stone she tossed, was a brilliant orange with both dark and lighter bands across its surface.

"Rhodochrosite. Encourages positive attitudes. And supposedly pulsates with love. It's also said to encourage spontaneous expression of feelings and passionate urges."

Lips pursing together in a highly attractive thoughtful pout, Cori slowly began to move in the Captain's direction. "Well, you do seem to know your stones, don't you?"

"Always have." Kirk replied with his infamous charm smothered half smile as Cori slithered up against him.

Looking up into the Captain's hazel gaze, Cori smiled softly. "Yes, I suppose you always thought so."

Feeling her fingers brushing against his left jaw line, Kirk tried to keep some focus on the subject they were discussing. "A few other's along the way have agreed on the matter."

"I'm sure many have." She purred her lips just grazing his, while pressing her body against his even more.

Quickly tossing the pair of stones in his hand off into the corner, Kirk slipped one arm around her slim waist. "Let's just say that I've had a one or two admirer's."

For a lapse for a number of seconds the pair were caught up in an entanglement of lips and bodies that the Captain would later describe in his personal log in surprisingly great detail with a few entries that needed a quick check in his thesaurus.

Breaking the lip lock first, Cori gave him another coy look while her mouth took a strange curve, her breath warm on his lips. "I don't suppose one of those admirer's could be Admiral Kenneth Faraway, my husband?"

"Husband?" Choked Kirk abruptly pushing the woman away from him, his face becoming three shades paler, then lost two more coats as he really let the news sink in. "It never said anything about a marriage in your records!"

"Automatically that makes me fair game, right Jim?" She spat back taking a step back a viscous crooked line forming across her painted lips. "I'm actually surprised you took the time to read my record! But I'm also pissed off that you would do such a thing to scope me to begin with! Not that it did you any good to begin with!"

"Listen, Cori this just a simple misunderstanding..." Kirk weakly began taking a step towards her hands raised in a gesture of some type of goodwill.

"Misunderstanding! I'll tell you what's a misunderstanding Jim! The repulsive fact that you've managed to convince yourself that every woman you flash that overly practiced smarmy smile of yours at is going to fall into some glorifying breathless love with you! Well, it doesn't always work that way fella! I didn't like you back in the Academy! I sure as hell don't like you now! And I'm pretty damn sure I won't be too appreciative of you later on in life either! Why the hell do you think I went out with Gary to begin with? Because I thought you were the biggest, freaking conceited ass I ever met!"

And with that she grabbed the closest thing she could get her hands on that had some weight to it and she was sure would make a nice deep dent in the man no matter where it struck.

The large chuck of amethyst made a dazzling beautiful arch as it flew across the cabin followed by a dull sickening thud which was the followed with the sound of a body crumbling to the floor. The last sounds were a satisfied snort followed by the word 'jerk', then the noise of filmy material rustling as the cabin hissed open and then just as quietly shut. Only noise remaining was the unusual pig-whistle breathing emanating from the prone figure lying on the floor next to the hunk of amethyst stone.

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"Now tell me again, she flat out hit you with the stone or threw it at you? Because, if she did throw it she must have hell of an arm." McCoy said doing absolutely nothing to hide his grin as he double checked the gash and goose egg sized lump on the side of Kirk's head.

"Threw it Bones. For the hundredth time, she threw it." Growled Kirk wincing slightly when he felt the Doctor's fingers graze the swollen area. "You're enjoying this way too much."

"Nah. I haven't even started yet, Jim." Taking a step back from the examination table, McCoy cocked his head slightly and managed to let his grin grow another eighth of an inch. "After all of this, I'm going to enjoy it."

Gingerly touching rising knot, Kirk blinked once then twice as he let the last sentence sink in and finally slowly looked over at the beaming Doctor. "You knew. You knew along, didn't you?"

"No. I didn't know all along." Shaking his head as he pursed his lips in a pondering manner, McCoy stared at the floor for a moment in supposed deep thought, then glanced back up at the Captain grin back in place. "I never had a clue she was married until I talked to her the other day. And married to Admiral Faraway."

"You…contacted her…after we spoke…the other morning!" Shock and angry echoed in both Kirk's voice and face as he started to slide off the table. "How could you do that?"

"Probably the same way you did. I asked Uhura to contact Star Base 43 and then I…"

"You know what the hell I'm talking about Bones!" Shouted Kirk and wished it hadn't when it felt as if a bomb had exploded in the side of his head. "How could you go behind my back and do such a…a..."

"A deceitful sick act?" Suggested McCoy waggling an eyebrow while rocking on his heels in a highly satisfied manner. "Simple, Jim. I knew there was no way come hell or high water would I ever have a chance to ever get back at you for the last few years of April Fool's Day jokes you've managed to spring on me on the actual day. So I thought, what the hell! What a perfect time to get you and you'd never see it coming. And when I explained to Ms. Kleinhuizen what you were up to, she was more than willing to help. Seems like a nice young woman too. Has a lot of common sense apparently."

"All this, because of some stupid April Fool's jokes! I can't believe it Bones. I just can't believe it! And that she went along with it." Obviously dumbfounded by the whole explanation, Kirk leaned back against the examination table in disbelief.

"Well, she did say she never liked you Jim. But we'll keep that just between you, Cori and me. And the Admiral.

That and the fact that you trapped her in your cabin and tried to seduce her. We'll keep all that between the four of us. And possibly the Judge Advocate." The tone of the Doctor's voice dripped with evil amusement. "I mean, if there's every a reason that comes along that I think they should be notified about this."

"Blackmail? Bones…you would stoop…to blackmail?" Kirk felt both physically and emotionally as if an entire squadron of armored Klingon's had run over him in spiked boots.

"Hell yes!" Snorted the Doctor. "I sure as hell ain't gonna spend every April Fool's Day or birthday from here on out having to lock myself in my cabin or be accompanied by an armed escort everywhere. It would be a pain in the ass, and more than little difficult to explain in the bathroom."

"But…why?" There was no question that the Captain was having some difficulty to grasp that anyone would do such a thing to him.

"Because Jim. You're a deceitful, sick bastard." The grin just continued to spread, as McCoy went to his medical cabinet and pulled a small bottle out, removed a few tablets from it then replaced it. "And you've been kinda asking for it."

"And I used to call you one of my closest friends." Grumbled Kirk straightening up from the table again.

"Only a good friend would show you what a jackass you've been." McCoy prophetically said handing Kirk the tablets. "Take these aspirin, get some rest and stay way from married women who have ninety seven-mile an hour fast ball."

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"You know what you could do Jim, save all those stones and make some of those fancy stepping-stones with your name etched in them for Christmas presents." Suggested McCoy the next morning as he and Kirk entered the cafeteria. "Or maybe during off time you could take a jewelry making class. Or possibly Spock and I could chip in for your birthday and buy you some of those more of those holistic books and you can start a side job when Star Fleet starts dismantling it's ships."

"Bones, I'd advise you to shut your mouth or I'll find some place to put every single one of those stones." Muttered Kirk still nursing a small headache, as he paused just inside the door and glared around the filled cafeteria. "And don't you ever mention Valentine's or April Fool's Day to me as long as you live."

"What about mentioning women? I suppose I can still mention those I bet. Night and day. Seven days a week. Three hundred and sixty-five days out of the year."

"Yes Bones. You can." Kirk sighed sagging against the food processor while the Doctor ordered his breakfast. "Just not for few days. Unless you're alone in your cabin, then you can."

"Please Jim. By lunchtime I'll probably have a have a dozen female crewmembers in my sickbay with numerous complaints that I don't dare mention here because of its possible corruption of some of the younger members of this ship." Sniffed McCoy as he removed his tray from the processor and proceeded to look for an empty table.

Getting his own tray, Kirk followed the same path the Doctor had to a table at the back of the room and set his tray down across from McCoy's while doing a quick scan of the tables around them.

"I wonder where Spock is?" He wondered out loud after draining a third of his coffee.

"Maybe he's finishing his unpacking and is trying to cross-reference his underwear." Grunted the Doctor over his coffee cup.

"Still smarting over that dig from last night?" The tip of an eyebrow rose a degree or two, as Kirk managed a small smile.

"I'll get my revenge." McCoy declared waving his fork at the Captain. "I got my revenge against you. I'll get my revenge against that green blooded Britannica set."

"Believe me Bones, Spock probably believes having to be in your presence is revenge enough." Kirk replied poking a forkful of hash brown's into his mouth to keep from grinning.

Swallowing a bite of egg, McCoy scowled at Kirk. "So what are you going to do with all of those stones? You must have nearly two hundred of them."

Shrugging, Kirk began to speak then stopped again and suddenly narrowed his hazel eyes and gave the Doctor a suspicious look. "Why are you so interested in them?"

"No reason. I was just trying to make conversation. You know talk about something else besides, the next mission, the ship or those other thing's, with soft curves and big beautiful eyes." Was the innocent enough sounding answering, although the devil was dancing away in the pale blue gaze. "Why?"

"Because while I was cleaning up my cabin this morning, I noticed that a few of them were missing." Eyes narrowing even more, Kirk set his fork down and leaned a little farther over the table. "You wouldn't happen to know what became of them, would you Bones?"

"Me? How the hell would I know where they are?" Exclaimed McCoy appearing to truly be disturbed by the accusation. "Cripes, I wasn't in that cabin when she started throwing things. They could be anywhere. Under your bed, dresser or desk. In the shower or someplace better left unspoken."

"Ah-ha." Was the less than assured response.

Two minutes of eating went by when Spock appeared at the table and sat down next to the Captain with a peculiar look in his nearly black eyes. For him he appeared to be strangely unrested, but not in the sense of stress or tension. More in the line of a night that you weren't sure what was exactly wrong, but it was enough that you couldn't a decent ten minutes in a row of sleep look.

"If you don't mind my saying so Spock, you look like hell." McCoy said through a mouthful of sausage. "Like ya've been rolling around inside a full vacuum cleaner bag."

Blinking in the direction of the Doctor, Spock acted as if he wasn't sure what to give as an answer. "I was unable to rest during the night, and I'm a little hesitant to explain what the problem was."

Concerned at his First Officer's obvious quiet distress, Kirk straightened up in his seat glancing over McCoy who was still slathering orange marmalade on his toast, then shifted his eyes over to Spock.

"Why?"

Pursing his lips, Spock blinked again as he gazed down at his bowl of cereal an eyebrow quivering slightly until he glanced over at the Captain again. "For some unforeseen reason, for the entire night I was unable to keep from rolling out of my bed."

Staring at the Vulcan unsure if he really heard what he knew he had, Kirk ever so slowly moved his gaze back over to McCoy who was totally involved with cleaning up the rest of his breakfast. Well that was one stone that could accounted for. It was the rest that he had to worry about locating before the day was over with.

"Captain, if I may inquire..." Spock had noticed the gash on the side of Kirk's head and was giving it a scrutinizing look.

"Oh come on Spock...can't you tell?" McCoy said a grin exploding on his face as he waved a hand in Kirk's direction. "Without your always-strong honorable and pure influences keeping him in check the last few days, the Captain just went completely out of control, Spock. And he got stoned for Valentine's Day."

**FIN**

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The Crystal Bible--A Definitive Guide to Crystals by Judy Hall  
The American Timber Wolf


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